Broken hearts. They are all painful, no matter how trivial it may seem to some. Until you have walked in someone elses shoes, you will never truly understand their pain. It amazes me: the human "heart". I quote because really and truly it is not the heart that breaks, but the nerve center that controls emotions. But I digress. We are the only animals in the world to take an emotion and let it run our lives. Sure, dogs can endure heartbreak, but after a while they forget why they were sad or that they were sad. Only humans seem to hold on to the notion of heartbreak.
I remember being seventeen years old, thinking everything that happened at the time meant everything and it was the best or worst thing that could ever happen to me. Then I hit twenty one, and sure enough, I thought the same thing. The difference is that at twenty-one, I was right in a sense. I got married, had bills, and felt the loss of a very special man in my life, my father in law. At seventeen, I was young and in love. I thought he would be there forever and we would live happily ever after. As I look back now, I realize it was stupid to think so. Nonetheless, though, it was how I felt. He was the only person to truly break my heart. I thought I was going to die without him. Then as time passed, I saw that he was the one who suffered the most from it. I was gone and I would have done anything for him.
My sister in law came to me last night full of depression. Not just over boys, but over life itself. Feeling as though the world was crashing in on her and there was nothing she could do about it. Having suffered depression for many years myself, I empathize in a way that only I can understand. I know that feeling of loss but not knowing quite what was lost. But she described it so well. It's a feeling of losing one's true self and not knowing how to get it back. It has taken me a lot of therapy and medication to know that you can never fully get yourself back in life. We give out pieces of ourselves when we build relationships, friend or love. I have given pieces of myself to many people, all too willingly I admit. Trust has been broken, friendships and love lost in the process. And I had no real idea what to tell her at the time, because I know that girl crying on her bed. The one who so desperately wants to love and be loved back. That girl who, despite all her best efforts, comes out a little worn and broken. I was that girl at her age.
And it kills me to know that she is enduring my pain, just with a few circumstances changed. My father chose to leave. Hers passed away. I've never fully known which is worse of the two. She moved to California for a while, while I was moved from school to school. Yet we still feel the same emptiness. That loss of ourselves in the process of trying to be better, to get better. Never in my life would I wish this pain upon anyone. The constant thinking to myself, "If only I had done something different, then maybe this gaping hole wouldn't be there". But it always will be, no matter how hard we try. We will always have done something to ourselves that makes the world turn on us.
Although its nice to not have to be alone in the struggle, I hate to see her heart broken.
No comments:
Post a Comment